How to explain

Fear
Originally uploaded by _crucify_.

How shall I explain what it means to have a Social Phobia/Social Anxiety?
I hurt myself with it.
There is so much I have to do but I can't.
I started to lie because of it.
For example:
I told my sweety that I will go to the employment office.
(And I had an appointment !! That wasn't a lie)
But I wasn't able to do so...
I went out of house, drove to the employment office, but I wasn't able to go in. I turned back, my heart was thumping so hard, I started to sweat.. it wasn't funny anymore.. And I went back home.
So here I am - hating myself about my incompetence to get a life, my incompetence to tell the truth, my incompetence to get over this phobia....

Maybe it's because I don't feel like my sweety understand what it means to have social phobia....

I know exactly, when my honey comes back - I will tell her another lie about the appointment..... maybe she's gonna read this and then she'll know....
Somehow I hope so..
Somehow I don't.

......